How are you? Sometimes I forget to ask myself this question. Maybe you also forget, especially in these past couple of months. Some days ago I was in a Zoom meeting and the group on the call was going over a reading that mentioned the word kindergarten. Someone shared a positive experience they had in this grade. Out of nowhere I felt like crying. I did. It was hard to contain the tears. I was amongst beloved friends/family in this meeting which made the tears healing and good. A wave of sadness covered me in an instant. It took me until the following day in the morning to share the experience with Maribel and to process some of the feelings that came up.
Later that day I had a bit of a run in with one of my kids. Before escalating the argument, however, I caught myself and realized that what I was reacting to was really my own sadness and I was still processing emotions from the day before. I was able to step back and take a walk and not make something that was easy to handle into something that was hurtful.
The experience reminded me of how much is locked within me and how often during times of stress, even what seems like resolved trauma comes right back in unexpected ways. I know that during times such as these, all of us are working with a burden of anxiety and grief that extends beyond our personal lives.
Whether we realize it or not, we are all grieving. Whether we have lost loved ones or not due to the pandemic, we all have lost something we may not yet have a name for but that we can sense deep within. This seems particularly important now as people are suddenly acting as if nothing really happened, as if the the trauma we all have had can quickly be covered over in an effort to go back to how things were as soon as possible.
But that grief, especially as it goes unrecognized, or as it becomes covered over by a surge in activity that aims to distance ourselves from our experience and our hearts often then manifests in anger and disagreement that shows up uninvited in unexpected places and times, causing hurt and misunderstanding with those we love most dearly.
How are you? I ask myself this question today and I will ask myself tomorrow. I’m sad. I’m happy. I’m worried. I’m hopeful. There’s a mix of emotions within me that often contradict themselves. I’m vulnerable, yet there’s a wholeness within me that I know is there and I don’t have to somehow fix, make strong, or improve. I’m blessed with love that embraces me as I am and does not let go.
Every day I get on my yoga mat and practice remembering to check in with myself, to notice what is happening within and wonder. This is my main reason I get on my mat everyday. The practice helps me explore my inner life, align, and continue to heal. Join me whenever you like.